Reach Out and Slap Someone

I got my first email account way too many yearson how Widgets can change your life through better
ago.chemistry..." Do you remember when people got
I was working for a large Chicago bank in the 1980s,excited by the idea of artificial intelligence and
when they introduced an electronic message servicewondered if we would one day need Asimov's Laws
for internal communications. The only electronic mailof Robotics to protect us. I think we can all breath
that seemed to flow for the longest time were alleasy for a little while yet.
those official HR notification of vacation time policies,"Thank you. Your address has been permanently
etc., and of course, the ALL CAPS messages fromdeleted from our database and you will never hear
the executive floor.from us again..."
It took a brave soul to send out the first..."so, where...and it's cousin...
should we go for lunch on Friday?" message."Thanks for your interest in Widgets. Since you're
It took a polite soul to create the first autorespondernow part of the Widget family, we know you'll want
message. It was nice of them to let people knowto hear all about everything, so here's this hour's
that the reason their inquiry would not be answeredspecial..." But all I wanted to do was let you know
immediately, and personally was because he (or she)about a broken link on your homepage...
was out of the office until XYZ date.The lesson: Don't presume to know why people are
I'm still trying to figure out where the the personalresponding, or what they want from you.
and polite parts of autoresponse messages went."You're receiving this because you downloaded a free
Sometime between then and now, the person whoreport from my site 279 days ago, but still haven't
wrote that message left the building, but forgot tobought anything..." and you still haven't gotten a clue.
turn the machines off. Today, too many"I'm only sharing this secret information with a
autoresponse messages are anything but personal,carefully chosen few like you, EAMIC, because you're
polite or informative.such a good friend..." Really? Even though you're
If you've ever been tempted to believe thatgreeting me with a string of letters that isn't even
message sound bites strung together by bits of "if,close to my name.
then, else" coding logic might actually prove to be an"Dear Friend..." Yes, I understand that software is a
asset to your business, you owe it to your businessblack and white kind of thing and that when it comes
to look at how some of these have played out into personalization your choices are or , but do you
the real world.understand that there is a third choice? Don't do it.
Here's a brief list of some of my favorite offenders,The lesson: Repeat after me, "just because you can,
along with a suggestion or two about what you candoesn't mean you should." It really is the golden rule
do if you find anything like them on your list ofof technology use.
messages.Personalization is a very powerful sales and marketing
"We'll return your message within 24 hours, or 12tool. When you personalize a business problem,
hours..." Forgive me if I don't set my watch by that.identify a client need, or use it to demonstrate how
Despite improvements in so many other areas,your product or service will help that particular client's
surveys still show that only 65% of companies EVERsituation, you are using it correctly.
respond to their email, never mind responding withinMachine generated personalization, on the other hand,
the time they've allowed themselves And just howfits the very definition of an oxymoron. Email
credible are you when 12, 24, 48 and 72 hours ofautoresponse messages were invented to apologize
silence have passed?for a lack of an immediate personal, human response,
"We usually respond within two business days..." . Inot to take its place permanently. Unless all of your
think this variation is worse. If 48 hours pass and Imessage is personal, no one is going to believe it
haven't gotten a response, I'm not only going toreally was written just for them. So why slap them in
think you can't deliver what you promised in any areathe face with the fact that it wasn't?
of your business, but I might feel personally slighted.The bottom line is this: if you find any messages like
After all, if you "usually can," why did you choose notthese in your current autoresponse setup, rewrite
to help me?them if you can, or just get rid of them if you can't.
The lesson: Don't Make Promises Unless you're 100%Silence is better on your part. Your business
Sure You Can Keep Themreputation is at stake. And where your reputation is
"Thanks for your message about broken websiteat stake, so are your profits.
links (an obvious fill in the blank). Here is our FAQ list